Keeping Our Promises:
How To Be A Guilt-Free Mother
Excerpts from Keeping Our Promises...
From the Introduction: So, what if our "mother guilt" is based on this tension? Could it be that we believe we made certain promises upon becoming mothers that we cannot possibly fulfill, thereby keeping us in a constant state of tension? And, would it be possible to simplify and quantify these promises, so that we can in fact attain them and feel the joy that so often accompanies a promise kept? I believe the answer to both of these questions is, "Yes." Yes, we can learn to shift from guilt-ridden to guilt-free and ultimately, joyous, mothering.
As I explored these questions, I was reminded of the nature of promises. When we make a promise, we enter into a state of tension that is only relieved when we fulfill the promise. This is why we frequently feel joy, or at the very least relief, when we fulfill a commitment, or keep a promise - we are releasing the tension caused by entering into the agreement. David Allen reflects this phenomenon with this observation: Much of the stress that people feel doesn't come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they started.
From Chapter One - The Guilt-Ridden Mother: I believe the answer lies in clarifying and simplifying what is expected of us, or, more accurately, what we expect of ourselves. Are we responsible for our children’s happiness and well-being, both present and future? Or, as we read in Gibran’s masterpiece, On Children, are we willing to allow our children to come through us and not belong to us? Are we willing to give them our love and allow them to have their own thoughts, their own dreams and their own tomorrows?
In discussing our seemingly universal guilt with other women, I have seen varying degrees of regret, some anger and resentment, resignation, frustration and many tears. I have also seen a sincere desire to let go of the guilt, to stop clinging to the past, to our mistakes, to move on and start enjoying our families. And the question I have heard most frequently is, "How? How do we do that?"
From Chapter Nine - The Joyous Mother: And so our journey has come full circle, through the promises - to be present, to lighten up, to be kind, to tell the truth, to be grateful, loving and forgiving - to a definition of hell. An interesting way to start this, our final chapter. And yet, it is appropriate, for heaven and hell are ultimately states of mind... and we can change our mind. We can choose to be in heaven. We can choose to be a Joyous Mother. Ultimately, making and keeping these promises, or any promise, is a choice. Every day, every hour, every minute we are faced with choices. The choices we make in this minute determine the choices we are presented with in the next minute. Guilt is a choice. Perfectionism is a choice. Shame, regret, blame, resentment, judgment are all choices we can make. And so are joy, acceptance, kindness, gentleness, generosity and compassion. To paraphrase Rosenberg, "If you want to know my definition of heaven, it’s having children and knowing there is no such thing as a good parent!"
"If you want to know my definition of hell, it’s having children and thinking there is such a thing as a good parent." ~ Marshall Rosenberg
